Ellie Huggins

30km down, 30km to go

My Story

Our first child, our little Lola, was a couple years in the making. She was our miracle little rainbow girl after experiencing two early losses prior. 

Every day, every scan, every kick was an anxious time but the day we met her was the most magical day of our lives and always will be. We have filmed her every day of her life and treasured every moment and will continue to do so. We carry deep gratitude for her always. She's such a special little girl.

When Lola was two, we fell pregnant quickly but sadly this ended in a 7 week loss just before our wedding. Perhaps this wasn't the right time. I still held on to faith that there is a higher purpose and meaning and tried to be as logical and resilient as possible through this. 

Every month following we tracked ovulation but we weren't successful. We decided to invest our money, time and energy in a cycle of IVF. A huge upheaval in life with a little one and so much hope invested. After many injections and an invasive egg retrieval process, our embryo sadly failed to implant and it felt like 6 weeks of emotional turmoil had been for nothing. The financial loss was an additional blow. 

Our priority remained Lola's happiness and we quickly turned to health and fitness to remain positive and push forwards. We decided to take a long break and start 2026 with hope and happiness for the future. When my period was late in the new year I assumed it was just my body adjusting post IVF. However, when I was feeling sick at the gym I knew I better rule out I wasn't pregnant but sure enough those magical two lines appeared. An early scan showed strong heartbeat and we let ourselves start dreaming and planning our future with two children. Our natural blessing. Surely this was our miracle happy ending finally.

The pregnancy was going well, I had no signs anything was wrong and went into a 10 week scan feeling positive. I held Jack's hand, looked at his face full of hope. The sonographer was taking too long to find babies heartbeat. I started to scream they're gone aren't they! But Jack squeezed my hand saying Ellie it's ok, be patient, it's going to be ok... let's wait... it's going to be ok. But eventually, her chair wheeled backwards, she held the probe up and she said "I'm so sorry I can see two babies here but it looks like their hearts stopped a week ago. I'm so sorry"

I screamed a sound I didn't know I could make and I had to watch my husbands face go from hope to deep sorrow. He held me and he was so strong. I wouldn't have survived if it wasn't for him. The flashbacks of that moment still torture me.

I was scanned twice more at the hospital, and heard the devastating news confirmed two more times. I was given the choice of passing my babies naturally at home or through surgical management. I chose surgical management. I lost a lot of blood in surgery which made me feel sick and faint for a week. I was readmitted to hospital once to check my vitals as I felt so unwell. Going to surgery pregnant and waking up not pregnant was the most empty feeling. 

We are now trying to find happiness again and parent Lola through the storm, making sure she is completely shielded from all the heartache. She wonders why mummy's tummy doesn't work and names our family and friends tummy's that do work. She's innocently trying to make sense of it all but it breaks me every time she asks. The dynamics of fertility/ infertility/ babies can be so hard to manage. The subject presents such intense joy and pain simultaneously which can be another complicated layer. I've always done everything I can to manage these dynamics carefully and remain close to all my pregnant friends. I want to be there for them and supportive of them. However, continuously clapping for others whilst grieving for yourself can become really tough and exhausting. That feeling alone then brings feelings of guilt and self-loathing.

I don't understand why we've endured so much heartbreak. However there needs to be some meaning to it all. I want to connect to others who have been through similar and I hope my story makes you feel less alone. My heart, my door and my phone is open to anyone who wants to talk. Infertility / loss/ failed IVF is deeply painful and I'm always here for anyone who wants to talk about it. 

Thanks for reading.