I’m walking 100K in September for families facing baby loss
Our daughter, Alyssa, was stillborn on the 6th January 2023 at 13:35pm just shy of 26 weeks gestation. Days prior to this we had attended hospital due to reduced movements to be told the devastating news that her heart had stopped beating. We'd had a scan just before Christmas and a midwife appointment between Christmas and New Year where everything had been fine. Our pregnancy wasn't without risk, due to a uterine abnormality, but as we had made it passed the 24 week 'viability' marker that things might just work out for us.
In the few days between finding out and Alyssa's arrival we got things ready for hospital and packed things to make as many memories as we could with her. After she was born we stayed with her until the Monday, we took her hand and foot prints, we read her stories, we told her stories about our lives and our families and how much she was wanted. We even took her for a small walk around the back of the hospital - I think people that have not faced this loss may find this strange, but I just couldn't imagine never having been outside with our daughter and these things were the only memories we would make with her here with us.
We left the hospital with empty arms and returned home to a house that now just felt empty. We had to face horrible decisions and plan a funeral instead of a baby shower. The items we had been brave enough to order in the December sales started to arrive, some we kept and some we couldn't face to see.
For many months I dreaded going to sleep because of those few seconds when we wake up sometimes and we don't know what day it is - then everything would hit me all over again. For a long time I also slept downstairs as I could no longer face our bedroom for some reason and I watched Friends on repeat as it was safe - I knew all the episodes and words and nothing could catch me by surprise.
Alongside the grief I felt guilt that I/my body didn't keep her safe and went over and over if there was anything I missed that could have helped her. I read endless stories and connected with lots of baby loss/support groups.
We are so blessed to have been her parents, we think about her every day, what she would look like, who she might have taken after etc etc.
We are forever changed, because some losses just change us forever. We may look the same to the people in our lives but we aren't.
So, along with my Mum, I have committed to walking 100K in September in memory of our beautiful daughter/grand daughter, Alyssa.
I also walk in memory of every much loved and wanted baby that didn't make it home. Over the years I have communicated with so many other loss parents and they have helped me in some of my darkest days. I continue to be in these groups/chats so that I can try to help the parents/families that come after us.
Sands ensure that everyone affected by the loss of a baby gets the support they need and deserve when facing the toughest of times. They campaign for change, provide training for midwives and healthcare professionals, and support research so that fewer babies die and so that less families experience the tragedy of losing their baby. Anything you are able to donate means so much.
Thank you.
