Susan Edwards-Akad

I’m walking 100K in September for families facing baby loss

300,000 Steps for Sands 💜

Earlier this year, we lost our baby at 16 weeks.

I recently found a journal entry I wrote at the time. One line that stayed with me was:

Coming home with a memory box instead of a baby was one of the most painful things I have ever been through.

I remember feeling so sad watching my bump disappear. It felt cruel. I felt anxious, and for a while it felt as though nowhere was completely safe, not even my own home.

At the time, all I wanted was to be alone and shut myself off from the world. I didn't want to talk or be around people; I just wanted to retreat from everything and try to make sense of what had happened.

I was fortunate to have my children, who helped me feel safe and grounded. I’m a counsellor and work alongside a wonderful team of counsellors, so I had people around me and I never felt alone. But support doesn't eliminate how devastating and traumatic losing a baby can be.

I felt that I didn't want my baby's life to be for nothing. Although their life was so short, I wanted to take something from it, to make positive changes in my own life. To try and eat more healthily, to exercise, to make the most of my life and to keep moving forward, even when that felt incredibly hard. 

So when I decided to raise money for Sands, the 300,000-step challenge felt like something meaningful I could do for my own wellbeing, while also raising money for a cause that supports other families experiencing baby loss. It gives me something positive to work towards while moving forward with grief.

There can feel like a stigma around baby loss, and perhaps around grief more generally. It can sometimes feel as though we are allowed to talk about our grief for a short period of time, but there is a time limit and then there comes an expectation that we should be ok about it.

But losing a baby is enormous. It is incredibly traumatic to lose a baby.

Being able to talk about what happened matters. Sharing our experiences can help bereaved parents feel less alone, less anxious and, hopefully, a little safer in a world that can suddenly feel very different. Looking back it felt like the rug had been pulled from beneath me.

I didn't reach out to Sands when I lost my baby. But I want to help make sure that support is there for the people who need it.

So, this September, I'm aiming to walk 300,000 steps to raise money for Sands. That's 10,000 steps a day for the month.

If you would like to support me, I'd be incredibly grateful. 💜