Login
Login

Subhra Raghuvanshi

Run 2k a Day in January 2026

Help Subhra raise £1500!

My Activity Tracking

59
kms

My target 62 kms

I’m running 2k a day in January for families facing baby loss

I’ve committed to running 2k a day this January for every much-loved baby sadly not here today.

Sands ensure that everyone affected by the loss of a baby gets the support they need and deserve when facing the toughest of times. They campaign for change, provide training for midwives and healthcare professionals, and support research so that fewer babies die and so that less families experience the tragedy of losing their baby. Anything you are able to donate means so much.

Thank you.

Please Help Me
Reach My Goal

Raised

£3,396 + £269.43 GiftAid

My Goal

£1,500

Select amount to donate

£25
£30
£50
£75
£
Donate

My Achievements

Updated Profile Picture

Donated to myself

Shared page

Received First Donation

First run logged

Received 10 donations

Increased Fundraising Target

Completed it!

My Updates

The longest night on NICU

Wednesday 21st Jan
Thank you so much again for incoming donations! Today we crossed £3500 in memory of Baby Krrish. I am very grateful for my friends who have supported us in our fundraising mission for SANDS uk… 

Every evening Preetham would try to get back home to fulfill his dad duties and be there for Ishika. That evening, when Baby Krrish’s heart went into the erratic heart rhythm , I called Preetham to come back in, Baby K was critically unwell… Bloods showed his Haemoglobin was 4. As Preetham and I stood there helpless by the incubator staring at him, we noticed he was having the jerking movements. My son was having seizures and we stood there helpless .. I alerted the nurse, all the commotion after is a blur. All I remember is little Krrish. Doctors gave more medications, looking for reason of Baby Krrish becoming unwell again… They couldn’t get bloods from any veins, ultimately they started going somewhere around scalp. Ouch, that surely must hurt. 

That night staff saw how unwell baby K was, they were kind… I remember we were given a room on the unit that night : with bedding all fresh and made, water, a comfortable temperature.. I didn’t know such facility even existed. (But I also had a room on postpartum  ward).. we stood together by Krrish’s incubator till 4 am in morning, once more he started jerking. This was his 5th or 6th time in past few hours. Tears had stopped rolling.. I told Preetham I couldn’t bear it anymore… I realised us standing there was not changing anything, my prayers were all in vain.. Staff were doing all they could to make Baby K better, I felt for the doctors and nurses that night… At 4, I walked off to the room… told the nurses to wake us up if things take turn for the worse (which is what we were all expecting!) Preetham and I got some sleep for 2 hours… Trying to be ready for what next day had in store for us… 

The Erratic heart…. part 1….

Tuesday 20th Jan

Dear all, 

Thank you for incoming donations and support. Many have now donated a second time, many have not yet..  In my head I feel it will all end on 24 th but reality is, it won’t.. I will continue writing till 31st… 

Baby Krrish’s kidneys were still not working, he was swelling up holding water, to be honest looking very cute and plumpy…😍.:: Yet, underneath the doctors were trying medications after medications and finally had to put you on a continuous drip treatment. Because you not clearing any salts… your Potassium was up to 8.4!!! I know normal adults don’t survive at that level… Babies are just so resilient, such fighters, but for me you are a true fighter …. 
 
Then boom.. your hearts electrical wiring started firing erratically… You went into a strange heart rhythm …What adults / doctor friends would identify as ventricular tachycardia.. Again not compatible with life.. the commotion started on unit again..

 My brain kept ticking … Lungs, brain, blood, kidneys and now heart?? I have a photographic memory of that evening.

Once Preetham’s then extremely supportive boss met him in the corridor and asked “ How are things?”. Preetham updated him , “ There is never any good news is there?” … Preetham came back and shared it with me… A chill went down my spine…. It’s been days and we were waiting for good news too… 






The fractured relationships… Point of no return?

Monday 19th Jan
I would like to thank dearest Zainab for sharing her deeply touching story over the weekend. I can share that little Mustafa is nothing short of a little bomb walking around making his presence felt wherever he goes with his infectious laughter and king like presence…. 

Zainab wrote a very important point which Preetham had shared earlier too. NICU journey causes a real risk of fracturing relationships. I shared before the weekend about “Choice” .. Around this time Baby K was very very unwell… One particular evening, I noticed some jerking movements.. They would stop and then start again. My little person was having seizures…His blood counts had dropped very badly, Haemoglobin of 4... I just couldn’t bear it, like I was being burnt alive everyday… This little person’s suffering needed to stop, we need to do something. Just because he can’t say anything doesn’t mean he isn’t suffering: I was angry, I wanted to stop it all for once. 

Preetham on the other hand, was preparing: We will move into a bungalow , I will go part time, we will get our parents over to help. I could hear him and he could hear me. But we were thinking miles apart. How was that possible? 

The doctor told me next day there was no choice at that point, I accepted it … But those 2 days Preetham and I could have fractured our relationship. NICU staff did tell us incidence of divorce is very high post NICU journey, I only understand it now… years down the line why… 

Also made me reflect: Do mums always know the best? Sometimes dad instincts are to be trusted too… Strangely my respect for Preetham grew a lot… 

The Boy from My Dream...A NICU story of HOPE... by Dr Zainab M Chaudhry..

Sunday 18th Jan

Continued .... 


Mustafa was so tiny in his incubator. I looked at him and wondered if I’d ever get to hold him again. Over the next 48 hours he was treated for meningitis, seizures and then the third “whammy” bilateral intraventricular haemorrhages. The following day one of the NICU consultants came to speak to me. He said that they had discussed Mustafa at handover and the fact that we were both doctors and my specialty was Neuro Rehabilitation medicine; he said he wanted to speak to me frankly, and ask that if they were to determine that Mustafas quality of life could be poor, then how aggressive we wanted them to be in their management ? I looked at the doctor in between tears, anger and frustration and told him that “right now in this moment, I am not a doctor, I’m a mother whose son is fighting for his life so treat him as aggressively as needed.” That is a conversation I came to know had stayed with the neonatologist since.

Mustafa then developed pulmonary haemorrhages and was started on the dreaded higflow oscillatory ventilator as a last resort. His seizures became increasingly frequent. He then developed hydrocephalus. His cranial ultrasound scan also showed worsening bleeds. It all seemed hopeless. But that was the only thing I held onto hope. NICU is a place full of hope and despair and it is those two emotions we cycled through for the next 14 days. A lumbar puncture done to drain off excess spinal fluid seemed to have worked. He then slowly came off the ventilator and then high flow oxygen onto nasal specs. At 37 weeks gestation Mustafa finally came off oxygen and I could see his tiny, beautiful face without all the tubes.

Amongst all of this I continued to express milk, sterilize, rest and pump again with Scheherazade visiting after school. I stayed for the first 2 weeks in a parent room next to NICU. I felt helpless at not wanting to leave Mustafas side and then a failure for not being present enough for his big sister. 

For as long as I can remember I have always been good with names. My father has always taught me that remembering a person’s name makes them feel special and that you’re paying attention. I remembered all the names of the nurses, support workers, lactation specialists, doctors, and volunteers, I remembered how each one had helped me along my NICU journey. One such nurse Trish was the one who recognized that staying on site had been taking its toll on my physical/mental health, she held me for the longest time as I sobbed and said I couldn’t face going home to an empty cot. But it was because of her I had the courage to go home. 

Leaving hospital without your baby is the hardest thing any parent can go through and that feeling never goes. Even though our darling Mustafa grew stronger little by little and went from NICU to HDU to SCBU over a space of 12 weeks. That feeling of going home without your baby is heart breaking. 

After 12 weeks on the neonatology unit, we finally took our beautiful Mustafa home. Mustafa “The chosen one, the one chosen for me to be his mother, the one chosen to test my faith and my courage, the one chosen to be my source of strength always God willing. The boy from my dream….

 

I would like to thank my dear friend/sister Subhra for asking me to share my NICU story with Mustafa. I am honoured to have been given such a privilege.

The Boy from My Dream.... A NICU story of hope by Dr Zainab M Chaudhry

Saturday 17th Jan
Mustafa means “The chosen one” in Arabic. When I found out I was pregnant in December 2022 after a 4-year fertility struggle, I just knew that it was going to be a boy. A baby boy like the one I had seen in my dream a year before, and was told his name was “Mustafa.” I could not wait for my 20-week ultrasound scan so had a private one at 15 weeks to confirm it. From that day onwards I held onto the dream of finally getting to hold my Mustafa. 

On the 6th of June 2023 at 28 weeks, 10 min after arriving home from work. My waters broke without warning, and I went into preterm labour. Everything that happened after that is a blur. I remember crying, being rushed to hospital by Shan who happened to be home that day, our daughter Scheherazade crying in the back seat asking, “why is mommy crying so much”. I remember calling Triage and telling them my waters had broken, and I was having contractions. I remember vividly telling Shan “How will he survive? and that I thought I had lost him.”

Mustafa was born within 5 minutes after reaching hospital. They guesstimated his time of birth as 5:45 pm as they could not be sure, it happened so quickly. There was no time for pain relief, magnesium sulphate or steroids, all the things to decrease poor outcomes from a preterm birth. 

After he was born, I got to hold Mustafa for one minute before he was transferred to NICU and intubated. As I looked upon his tiny swollen bluish face, I knew in my heart this was the little boy from my dream.

Only 3 hours later confused, exhausted and alone on the post-natal ward I got a visit from the neonatology consultant asking me to come down to NICU as Mustafa had gram negative sepsis and was on maximum ventilatory support, they weren’t sure whether he would survive the next 24 to 48 hours.

As I entered NICU for the first time, I looked around at this secret place that only few know about, those that work there or the parents of babies admitted there. It was the place that was going to break me, test my resilience and my relationships and that it did…


When the choice is taken away…

Friday 16th Jan
Yesterday, we talked about how we all always have a choice.. Then come times when the choice is taken away from our hands…Life is incomplete till we all have one such experience, it often hits us when we are not ready for it xx 

One of my deep well wishers with our well-being at heart asked us if we had considered “all our options and we should think about stopping treatment”.. This was followed by a doctor on NICU (who also was a mum) coming to me one day on postnatal ward to tell me “ if I could see what was happening and I should seriously think about stopping treatment” … This sharing of personal opinion by the doctor/my friend would have taken a lot of courage … Courage that pinched me at the time but I admire as they were thinking about Preetham, Ishika and me at the time…

As days went by with tubes, noise, bloods I knew Krrish was very unwell. I knew where this was going.. I asked the Consultant can we chose to stop treatment? He said “No” … He had a lot of positive stories to share which gave us a lot of hope… Including the medical student 24 weeker from earlier blog… 

Hope that we all live by everyday…I drew a line and said to myself “ I am all in” ….

This weekend, I am sharing one such positive story from NICU… Another doctor mum with a now 2 year old handsome boy… Once again, I am unable to explain in words how grateful I am for donations coming in… One day, I will share why Sands is my chosen charity… Till then thank you very very much xx 

The choice..

Thursday 15th Jan
Don’t we all have a choice? Choice of friends, choice of charities; choice of money we donate? Days when I thought to myself - does anyone even care? Why am I doing it? 

Would I ever know about Sands if I didn’t lose a baby? Would I ever know about ark angel? Dog rescue if I didn’t love dogs? Sometimes we give … We give to make the slightest of difference in someone else’s life.  I’ve had a couple of friends donate twice… 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼… I had an awesome mum share a story yesterday of how her 26 weeker is now 16 years old…❤️❤️❤️ That message reminded me in 10 people reading it if it touches a heart daily… That’s my purpose for now xx I’ve had a few friends who’s NICU babies made it, some even twins!  Hey make no mistakes … Their journey might also have been a very rocky one… All being well one such friend will share her story with us this weekend… 

Meanwhile, Baby K decided he wants mummy and daddy on the cliffhanger… The brain, the lungs, and now kidneys.. I didn’t need blood tests to tell me you were unwell, You looked dry… Doctors tell me later your kidneys had stopped working… You stopped passing water …. I kept begging for days and days and days for your kidneys to start working again… But you had your own plans … 

If you have few seconds: On my fundraising page I share a special photo … Of the journal that I talk about… I wrote a little poem for Krrish realising only now it was on 12/1/2016… Little did I know at the time, we were half way into his little life… But I was of firm belief he will make it…. 

A Place with No Goodbyes…

Wednesday 14th Jan
On 14/1/2016 - I write about little girl in the incubator across .. her lungs had failed for for the fourth time with infection.. Baby L needed steroids and antibiotics and I was praying desperately for her to be well. Then next day…. her name disappeared from the board.. 9 month journey came to an end… There are no good byes on NICU… 

Meanwhile, Baby K had his own plans : The suspicion on infection - They tried to get fluid from around his spine ( Lumbar puncture) and Blood counts were all over the place. I have never seen a white cell count of 87( Yes!! if you know these numbers!!!)  in a living being, But these little people born early do their own thing! Next few days it did come down to 30’s… But the acid was building up on blood gases ( Lactate was just not coming down… They ultimately had to give you a machine to push air in with pressure.. (CPAP)… 

Today, they told me you are 33 cms long and 809 gms.. Hurray you had put weight on..  Ishika was 37cms at birth… For baby K to be as tall at 25 weeks …surely took after his daddy , I thought… 

Thank you again for steady incoming donations… I am very grateful… About 70 friends have donated so far.. 5 of which have come from US… I have atleast 500 friends in UK… Have you ever thought what would world be without charities? Should I push for 4000? Is that even possible? 


Little joys of life

Tuesday 13th Jan
Someone once told me “Happiness is a learnt behaviour” .. In the deep sorrow and pain of the situation with Baby Krrish, we had some very lighter, happier, elated moments. Everytime Baby Krrish was stable and not causing chaos on NICU, it felt like we were on top of the world. I made some mum friends, we had our little laughs .. 

We were encouraged on the unit to change Baby Krrish’s nappies, One such day both Preetham and I were competing to be the better parent 😇, trying to do it together. Oops! the next thing was Baby Krrish’s endotracheal tube (tube carrying Oxygen to his lungs) popped out. Boom! After the saga I posted yesterday nothing worse could have happened! We ran to get a nurse and caused a little stir on NICU, this time us not Baby K!

Some friends have shown concern about Kodumuri household whilst I’ve been posting. It’s business as usual in Kodumuri household, we have enjoyed our walks, laughed with Ishika and Ishaan, followed traitors like Hawks, been at work and laughed! Over time, one thing has become clear, we all need to try a bit harder to be happier in all the doom and gloom,  darker, cooler winter months.. 

If you haven’t yet donated to my fundraising please do consider donating… The pain and tragedy of losing a child, nobody should walk that path alone…It happens alot within our friends, family, our own children when we feel helpless… SANDS has been supporting bereaved parents since 1978… A lady posted yesterday Sands UK were great with her in 1987… This has given me strength to carry on and push my fundraising moto…


12 days into loving you..

Monday 12th Jan
I am very grateful for steady flow of donations, really touched by kind words and really blown away by everyone’s generosity.. 

Believe it or not, we are half way into Baby Krrish’s little life. I wrote “ Today I put on a brave face, I did not cry the whole day” .. Doctors had told me there were a lot of problems. They were really struggling to put a “Line in” to give the medications. Next day they had to put a line in very close to Baby Krrish’s heart. 

On 11/1/16, Baby Krrish’s life line : The ET tube ( tube carrying oxygen straight to lungs) fell out three times. It just was not clear why it kept coming out… I could see all the doctors trying so hard each time to keep it in, then one time .. I  could see colour change, a pale lifeless arm..  I felt a wave travel down my spine … I knew in that moment things were terribly wrong … I thought there was no more fight left in you… 

Few seconds later as people started rushing around, the champion doctor pulled out a big clot and suddenly tube went in… Life went back into Baby Krrish and me…. My fighter was back to give it a good fight for another few days then…. 

Reflecting on days like this… Makes me realise we take too many things in life for granted… including our breath… If you are reading in silence and haven’t donated yet… To give back for what we have in our lives so far… Do consider donating for Sands UK… 

Between hope and heartbreak by Preetham Kodumuri, 11/1/2026

Sunday 11th Jan


Dear All,

Thank you so much for taking time to read this and for all the wonderful support and donations to the Sands charity. 

Krrish was at the epicentre of this massive storm we found ourself in. He was fighting to survive. We were told he caught Pseudomonas, which is an aggressive form of infection. The doctors were trying their best, but Krrish developed other complications such as brain haemorrhage, his heart didn’t get an opportunity to fully develop, so had a septal defect (hole). This meant his lungs were pooling with fluid. His need for high flow oxygen was creeping up. His repeated blood tests were not looking good. His kidneys had stopped producing wee. Every morning, we would wait with bated breath to hear the plan from the ward rounds. 

Krrish started having involuntary jerks, these were later proven to be seizures. I would sit by his bedside watching him convulse against his will, with the feeling of 1000 spears piercing my heart, knowing that would hurt me less than seeing this little boy going through such an agonising experience. 

When Subhra wasn’t by Krrish’s bedside, watching over him like a hawk, she was expressing milk and storing every precious drop, holding on to the hope that one day he would be strong enough to drink his mother’s milk, full of goodness. And in time, that moment did arrive.

Ishika often visited her younger brother in NICU. I remember one day she was laughing, playing with a balloon in the waiting area, asking me why I wasn’t joining in playing with her. How could I?  I was torn between anger at the whole situation and guilt of not being a good father. I wished I could split myself into two pieces. 

Once the news about Krrish spread, many of my friends didn’t know how to talk to me. Some drifted away, not out of unkindness, but uncertainty. I hold no grudges — I understand how hard it must have been for them. This is an experience I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. And yet, heartbreakingly, it is one that far too many families with premature babies are forced to endure. 1 in 12-13 babies in the UK are born premature. 

That’s why it is vital to support brilliant charities like Sands - baby loss charity who do such an amazing job.  

The world changed for me 10 years ago ..

Saturday 10th Jan
Today’s story - by my Baby Krrish’s daddy…. 

Preetham Kodumuri

Dear All, 

As some of you may know Subhra Raghuvanshi is doing a 2K walk/run/swim for Sands - baby loss charity this month in memory of our Son, Krrish who was born at 24 weeks 10 years ago. 

I’m doing a blog this weekend towards raising awareness and appreciate your time in reading this. 

Please consider donating to this beautiful charity doing their utmost best for families like ours. 

The world changed for me 10 years ago when 

On New Year’s Eve morning, I saw my beautiful wife standing outside our bedroom en-suite with a horrified expression saying “My waters have broken” almost four months before the due date. This was followed by confusion, panic, anxiety and a rush to the hospital. After initial checks, I watched on helplessly, on the edge when the medical team suggested to keep Subhra in for monitoring as it is likely that the leak may seal off. It was best for the baby to stay inside the womb for as long as possible. I stayed for most of the day, went home at night. 

While everyone we knew were ringing in the New year, I got a call from the hospital around 11 PM asking to come in ASAP. When I’d reached, Subhra was already having a spinal anaesthetic for an emergency Caesarean section. I gathered later that Krrish had umbilical cord wrapped around his neck and couldn’t wait any longer on the inside. I will never be able forgive myself for not being by Subhra’s side when the Obstetric team asked her to choose between having an emergency surgery or allowing for a natural birth, but allowing for a natural birth would mean that he would most likely not survive. 

Our baby boy, Krrish had arrived at 00:16 hrs on New Year’s Day. I couldn’t hold him as I had held my firstborn child, Ishika 4 years ago. He was too delicate, so he was whisked off to NICU, his home for the next 24 days. He was so brave through the multitude of blood tests, scans attached to the tubes inside this box he was living in. 

Krrish had a good start, but there were complications stacking up against him. As the glimmering hope was dwindling, it was extremely challenging to be optimistic that Krrish would be a normal boy or leave the hospital unscathed. This changed to the dread of would he even leave the hospital. Each day brought with it hope, sadness, gut wrenching pain, ethical dilemmas and a real possibility of fracturing relationships. 

I treasure a few memories. One day, a doctor asked if I wanted to see him sitting up without the oxygen tubes and I said yes. There, for the first time, as he was supported up, I really got to appreciate that I was looking at a mini Me! I often am told how similar Ishaan looks like me, but this boy Krrish, he had my not so envious nose! He had opened his eyes for just a second, I don’t know if he could see me?! 

I’ll share more tomorrow…..

When silence held us together - 9/1/26

Friday 9th Jan
My walk today was wonderful, in day light with Preetham and Ishaan.. Today my fundraising has stalled a bit, so I will have to get innovative to reach more people.. But today Preetham and I will donate to our own cause. Can my friends who haven’t donated - dig those pockets a bit deeper? It’s time to give for little humans who come into this world and didn’t make it, all those bereaved families. Thank you to the school mums who encouraged me today… ❤️… It means a lot in days you stumble… 

DISCLAIMER: Preetham’s consent to share our vulnerability/ story has been obtained.. 

Marriage/ partnerships are the biggest gamble a person takes with their own life! We had been married for 6 years  at that time in 2016, really it’s not long enough.. Everyone who knows Preetham, knows he is a man of few words. For the first time when doctors told us Baby K might not make it, that day was the first time I saw Preetham emotional, his eyes filled up the whole day.. He just couldn’t stop. I felt very weak, I had never seen him so emotional.

On 6/1/16 - I wrote to Baby K in my journal “ Daddy is holding it all in, I wish I could burst him with a pin sometimes” .. Over the next few days, I saw Preetham teary many a times. He was ( and still is) listening to me always a lot more than he says. After Baby Krrish passed away one day Preetham said “ It’s funny how death teaches you so much about life” .. That’s stayed with me forever.. 

We all deal differently with grief, after Baby Krrish passed away, I felt for a few months I also lost Preetham to exams … Though we continued reflecting on events, Preetham kept it all in from the world and channelled his energy towards his extremely difficult exams and did it very successfully.. I still have more things to share but as uncomfortable this whole sharing our story is…. Preetham’s story is still untold … I have asked him to share his story for the next couple of days… What did Baby K mean to him, what did this experience mean to him as a father? He was being a Father to Ishika, Krrish, Husband to me, Son-in-law running house errands, managing grief of the situation and happiness of being a new dad. 

I can’t wait to read next two days myself… 


“ The cuppa” 8/1/26

Thursday 8th Jan
Day to day we all think, am I important enough in this society? Today’s post is heavy and light… Often health care assistants say or think “we are only a HCA” … Can we work to break this hierarchy in our society? 

Today I opened my 10year old journal, where I was writing to Baby Krrish..I do question “Will you ever read this?” …  Somedays, I did miss writing to baby K as there was just too much going on… I found a very interesting little event that happened… 

Doctors told us Baby K’s condition is critical, get your family in, perform any hindu ceremonies you wish to perform.. I was waiting for Preetham to come and it felt like he was taking ages… I cried my eyes out, not knowing what was coming our way that day.. A health care assistant came up to me, hugged me and asked “Would you like a cuppa?” I replied “Yes” … It was the most comforting thing that happened to me that day…

Rest of the day followed a constant flurry of doctors and nurses, putting lines, cannula’s, constant bloods, Ultrasound on brain.. I thought to myself “ Will Krrish’s brain ever recover? The acid level in your body was very very high but by evening blood gases starting looking better, I became more hopeful… 

How does a little person that looks so calm outside, create so much chaos on NICU in moments? No different to anyone else, I start looking online and cerebral palsy comes up.. We were distraught. Are we strong enough to face it? But I accepted it as “The Higher command” 

“I knew things are horribly wrong, but something inside me says you are a fighter” I had written and Baby Krrish was - he was a true warrior and he proved it to us all in coming days…





The failed mother.. 7/1/26

Wednesday 7th Jan
Today felt a little harder with my 2K walk, busy clinic, admin, 1st day back at work, evening routine with food, home, classes. My promise to Baby Krrish and raising money in his memory suddenly gave me energy I didn’t know I had. Pleasant walk / Little jog’s with Preetham…

My today’s story is about how sometimes we have no control on our bodies. Has anyone ever felt fearful of that? It’s become clearer over years that none of us have control of what’s happening within..It sometimes hits us hard turns lives upside down in moments x 

After birth of Baby K, The guilt of having failed him was immense. Something I couldn’t express in words. I was meant to protect him in my womb, carry him till week 36 atleast, give him life… Why did my waters break all of a sudden with a simple sneeze… For days I analysed what had happened on previous few days. I had been out in town and carried Ishika for a bit in town.. But I have done dead lifts with 110 kilo’s when younger… So why did my body not take a little bit of weight? For years I’ve felt guilty about my failure to protect Baby Krrish.. 
I failed him as a mother… But I wouldn’t think that way for a friend? So why am I being so harsh on myself? I suspect I will never find answers to my “why?”  

One night after I was “home” , Ishika fell from bed overnight, I remember crying my eyes out with guilt that I am now failing Ishika.  When pregnant with Ishaan, at 19 weeks my consultant told me : My cervix was opening up again and I am at very high risk of another pre term baby. The wave of emotions that has hit me then, many a times after snapping at kids, or them being hurt… It’s been very unforgiving but time has made it better… When it’s nature against sciences - let’s agree nature always wins .. But if science wins it’s a jackpot x 


A very special visitor - 6/1/26

Tuesday 6th Jan
We have together hit 41 donors so far (excluding me), raised together 1457 + gift aid… I’ve had donations come from different continents…I cannot thank each and every one of you enough. 

Today, I had a very special offline donation though, unaware today’s blog was going to be about her - Ishika read my blog’s so far today, clearly very emotional.. I’ve had lots of hugs today… She has given me £30 given by her aunty over the weekend towards our fundraising …. 

About now, when Baby Krrish was just about starting to stabilise from his first “bad” 24-48 hours, I had Ishika come to visit her new born baby brother,  she had come with an A4 painting of rainbow which stayed on Krrish’s incubator throughout and was the only gift he was buried with on 5/2/16.. Ishika lost her mother overnight, but Preetham, My Mum and Dad stayed strong and supported / managed everything at home. When Ishika visited - it hit me hard, will Baby Krrish ever smile? talk? walk? Our close friends knew Ishika was a very bright child.. Clearly her genetics on her mum! Would Krrish be anything like his sister? What will be the impact of Krrish and his longer term needs on Ishika? Has Ishika’s childhood been stolen sooner? I had only heard stories of what preterm children could be like, some of these uncertainties were killing us inside… But we were preparing for them in our heads. 

Consultant on NICU shared a story of a 24 weeker boy who was a medical student … So I thought miracles do happen… I missed Ishika terribly, but my energies were focussed on Baby krrish and his wellbeing for now. I know of a few friends - with preterm babies… It always hits me hard when someone shares twin pregnancy news, preterm news with me. NICU was full of many twins. Every twin pregnancy is a miracle on earth and every preterm baby that makes it out of NICU is a credit to medical teams and NHS… But much support is needed after they leave the unit … Your money going towards charities like Sands and Children in Need help with similar causes x Many families recover to some sort of “Normality” after baby loss - become functional again… Yet I’ve met few who could never recover, high incidence of separation and mental health problems pursuing after … 


The Snowy day… Are we being unfaithful parents?

Monday 5th Jan
Today reminded me very much of a snowy day.. every year on 1st /24th of January, We would want to go and visit Krrish, He is buried in a beautiful memorial ground in Nottinghamshire called Tithe green burial ground. 
When Baby K passed away, we thought as Hindu’s he would be cremated and we didn’t have to worry about his imprint left somewhere.. But Preetham and I were wrong, babies are buried in Hindu’s… Even though that time fractured my relationship with god forever, I was unsure if  we are strong enough to challenge / rebel against centuries of traditions. I complied with my parents and hindu beliefs. We bought a private land on a burial ground as we wanted to hide and tuck Krrish away from the world. Keep him protected always, hidden from the world.. 

One such day when we were visiting, It was snowing very heavily, our tesla was low on charge.. We stopped at services… The difference this time was - it was not just Preetham and I,  we had a little Baby Ishaan and Gorgeous Ishika in the back seats with us… Was it fair to risk their safety and comfort for this belief of ours? We realised in that moment our first duties are to the children with us now, but does that mean I am being unfaithful to baby K? The internal fight continues … Holding onto what you have now in this moment is so important…. 

I am very grateful to QMC, Neonatal support workers who suggested Tithe green burial ground… Baby Krrish has a Cherry blossom planted on top of him, A beautiful stone plaque… Surrounded by beautiful meadows and many such trees - each depicting a story of a life once there was. We love visiting and saying hello to as many souls there as always. Over few years, some very special friends have visited Baby K too, including grandparents… As time goes by, I’ have become more forgiving to us, I chose to walk indoors today as icy conditions on the ground… Someone told me once “Becoming a mother makes you less selfish”  … I think it is opposite - once you are a mother, you start thinking of your own nest first… 

NICU : A world of its own…

Sunday 4th Jan
I am truly humbled by donations… Thinking now - should I increase my target or not? 
Thank you very much each and every one of you…

Yesterday I am sure left a sour taste for many who read my post… But, I can’t thank NHS enough…as a patient and a mother… Who knew when I delivered Baby K - I will be given a side room, no questions asked, for as long as baby Krrish was in hospital. I was getting three meals a day… Many days I would miss meals as I didn’t want to walk back from NICU to the postpartum ward… But on NICU I always had a lot of options : cereal, noodles, ready made food packs, toast, drinks, snacks… All of these things which sound so mere : meant a lot to many parents / families and siblings coming onto NICU. An after thought on these little pleasures on NICU : made me realise this is all provided by charities like SANDS and donations made by people like us… Remember every penny you give will go towards a memory box, a book, a blankie and many more little things which will bring a lot of comfort for years to come for bereaved families x 

A lady and her preterm baby had been on NICU for 9 months, she had come from Lincolnshire, her first child… I admired her beyond words, 9 months of staying at hospital, but our NHS let her be the mum she wanted to be … I thought will that be me? who knew… Nobody knows how long your journey at NICU will last… In our rough moments, we did make friends. I had put aside my “doctor” and could just be a “mum” and a patient… On occasion having the odd laugh with other mum’s. Comforting each other, knowing when a baby is not well it hurts… AND then … One day suddenly , a name would disappear from the board, you would never see the parents again….. It would pierce your heart like you were stabbed… Nature had the upper hand here… It won again…. Such one day, the little girl and her mum from lincoln disappeared from NICU… The mood on NICU was very very sombre next few days…. 

SANDS helps bereaved parents in many ways… Including support after bereavement and during the process… Something that brought a lot of comfort in those tough days… 

The first conversation….

Saturday 3rd Jan
Sometime between day 2 and day3, Baby Krrish took turn for the worst, it felt like suddenly carpet was pulled from under our feet, I remember being woken up by a nurse at 6 in morning and being summoned to the NICU. Preetham had already been asked to come… Clinicians had noticed blood in Krrish ‘s tubes - his numbers took turn for the worse, Baby K had suffered with a big bleed on his lungs, Bleed on his brain and developed life threatening infection: That was the first time we were summoned by doctors, in presence of our support worker - told that things are looking very critical - he may not make it, next 24-48 hours are crucial.  In coming days, we were told it was pseudomonas infection… Likely source of this was me! As I am a healthcare worker I probably carried it on my body. That moment my world came crashing, I was angry, hurt and became paranoid about cleaning - any chairs, taps, incubator anything I touched - was cleaned with wipes.. I stopped touching Baby Krrish … This paranoia went on for 7-8 days …Till they dropped another bomb on us… turns out it was same strain isolated from another baby, I wasn’t to blame - it was because doctors sometimes didn’t use gloves when taking bloods “ they couldn’t feel the veins” … heartbroken, fuming just can’t describe my feelings. For days I took the blame, to find out it was not me.. I guess that’s what mothers do! 
Little did we know next 24 days we will be having similar conversations - endless number of times, I read all pubmed papers on Pseudomonas infection in neonates with extremely poor outcomes… I was told there will be root cause analysis and all clinicians have to wear gloves thereafter whilst handling neonates. Something I thought was ancient science….. 

The calm before the storm.. 2/1/26

Friday 2nd Jan
“The calm before the storm” doctors said, whilst Preetham and I are both doctors we knew nothing about the world of neonates… The next couple of days (1st and 2nd of January 2016) felt hopeful, felt like “things could just be ok”.. Our support worker and Nurse on NICU told us “It will be an emotional rollercoaster” a phrase we had heard a few times, but just didn’t know what it means. Baby Krrish was stable, cute as ever, but attached to so many tubes… This little person trying hard to fight back and me fighting back my tears that just would keep coming… It was hurting that I couldn’t hold him, he was still cute in the incubator… I was holding his hands, touching his skin… Also obsessively preparing to breast feed him at the earliest opportunity I could!! I started expressing milk and storing syringes and bottles in freezer in the hope … One day he will have my milk!! I will share with you all later how much milk I had eventually expressed in the month! 

This truly was calm before the storm…. Hope that all will be well, yet his lactate was not coming above - 10 (Minus 10!) a value which is not truly compatible with life…. We knew things are still not good…

Today my 2K was completed on streets of London, so little different to usual… 

1/1/16: The gift of life

Thursday 1st Jan
Happy new year family and friends. I am running in support of SANDS… Every year I think I will do it, It would have been my beautiful 24 weekers 10th birthday today.. He was stunning, born on 1/1/2016 at 00.10 just past midnight, at QMC in Nottingham. Unfortunately my waters broke the day before, both Preetham and I knew it was bad news but we were unaware what was going to hit us! Fast forward, new year’s eve ( a very different one that year!) Preetham had just left hospital exhausted… Unfortunately to my horror - I realised I had a cord prolapse, Within 10 mins- I was in theatre, a preliminary scan said : Baby K is approx 596gms, his chances of survival are slight, what do you want to do? Ofcourse as a mother “ I want to gift him life”.. Preetham rushed back, I was delighted to know Baby K weighed 726gms… A lot more than what doctors had predicted … We were absolutely delighted… 

I just want to give back to SANDS this year, express my deep gratitude and share some little stories everyday… I will start off by making the first donation myself…. 
I just have to be honest my chest flare today meant a 2K walk… But was a great start to this journey ….

Thank you to my Sponsors

£1,000

Sr And Pk

£106

Kelly Williams

£79.50

Geraldine

Great cause . Pleased to support . Full of admiration for you all. Sending love from Sebastian and me xxx

£75

Kajani Perinpanayagam

Great work Subhra. Good luck.

£53.32

Ib Malek

What a thoughtful and noble cause! All the best Subhra. Sana & ib

£53.32

Barkha And Narendra

Lots of love and strength to you Subhra and Preetham

£53.32

Naveen Kandavalli

£53.32

Anonymous

£53.32

Jeevan Chandrasenan

Wonderful initiative Subhra. All the best.

£53.32

Delicia Benjamin

Thinking of you and wishing you peace.

£53.32

Poonam Shenoy

Our best wishes to you and your family always Subhra.

£53.32

Saumya Gupta

You brave girl 👏 lots of love and strength to you ❤️

£53.32

Charan Gudla

Thank you for sharing…

£53.32

Harsha Reddy

Good luck on reaching your personal goal. I have every faith you’ll do it.

£53.32

Anonymous

Great cause… best wishes

£53.32

Yogesh Joshi

So incredibly proud of you for doing this. Turning something so deeply painful into a source of hope and support for others takes immense strength and compassion. Thank you for your courage, kindness, and big heart, you are truly inspiring. 💙… Yogesh and Shweta.

£53.32

Swati Singh

I hope this effort reaches all the goals that you desire .

£53.32

Amy Ramoutar

Oh Subhra, I’m so sorry for your loss. So very proud of you taking on this challenge for this amazing charity. Absolutely inspirational. Wishing you all the best for it xx

£52.12

Pradeep Kodumuri

Wishing you all the very best on the wonderful initiative Subhra!! Our best wishes!!!

£50

Arvin Rodrigues

Dear Subhra, Those we have held in our arms even for a little while, we hold in our hearts forever. I hope this arctic freeze eases and makes your valiant endeavour easier. Love, Arvin

£50

Kamal Sahni

Well done

£50

Amrith Shetty

Best wishes to you always

£33.28

Avni Johri

More Power to you Subhra for all humanitarian efforts !

£32.23

Ashu Loona

All the best

£32.23

Sarah C

Wishing you all the shooting stars in the sky - sending love and good luck vibes

£30

Ishika Kodumuri

£30

Z. Mahmud

Sending you lots of love . You are amazing xx

£27.05

Giorgos Jones

Amazing effort Subhra. Love to you in this personal endeavour.

£27.05

Anonymous

£27.05

Zoe Blakemore

Way to go Subhra - you’re a star xx

£27.05

Nicky Dale

An amazing charity, well done Subhra xx

£27.05

Kelly Craigen

£27.05

Fiona Nelhans

£27.05

Ruth Edgar

£27.05

Lm

Big love to you and Preetham ❤️

£27.05

Mark Gaden

Good luck with your challenge. I hope you raise a lot of money to support this excellent charity.

£27.05

Sowmya Palani

Great cause! Heart-wrenching and incredibly brave. Sending you so much love and strength - your baby’s legacy is truly meaningful 🤍

£26.45

Rani Bola

£25

Deepa Jadhav

So much in awe of your brave decision to share it all. Sending you love and hugs to heal and grow with your pain.

£25

Anonymous

£25

Anonymous

Sending love & hugs

£25

Subhra Raghuvanshi

£25

Tina Gilbert

£25

Joh-an Hulme

Wishing you all the best Subhra, you got this!

£25

Sandra Gibson

£25

Kavitha Raja

£22.76

Giorgos Jones

Keep going, you're over halfway there!

£21.84

Julie Edwards

Subhra. I have so much admiration for what you are doing. I had a beautiful still born baby boy Louis at 37 weeks in 2002 and i know what a fantastic charity Sands is.

£21.84

Emma Parry

Thank you for sharing. Good luck x

£21.84

Linda Lancaster

It doesn't matter if you walk or run. You can do it Subhra x

£21.84

Tina Gilbert

Go Subhra! I remember this awful time so well! Such a worthy cause m. Remembering Kris ❤️❤️x

£21.84

Erin

Well done my friend! Such a powerful way to remember baby Krish ❤️

£21.84

Claire Parry

Incredibly strong to share the loss of your little boy. Good luck for your challenge x

£21.84

Rosie Diane

£21.84

Amanda Rees

Good cause and good luck Subhra ❤️

£21.84

Mamta Prasad

£21.84

Claire Williams

Thank you for sharing such deep and personal anguish in aid of supporting this great charity. You are so brave and strong 💪🏼 Good luck for your January challenge

£20

Sudhi

Great efforts Subhra! Keep going 👍 Sending love xx

£16.56

Min Loh

What an amazing initiative! All the best!

£16.56

Beth H

£11.33

Caroline Kirk

£11.33

Rhian Hughes

Your story was shared with myself from a colleague. I’m so very sorry for the loss of your baby boy. My daughter was born at 26 weeks and I know that rolla-coaster all so well .. I’m a very lucky mummy, my daughter is a healthy 16 year old. What you’re doing is amazing. Only wish I could donate more.

£11.33

Tamara Williams

£11.33

Ruth Leighton

Dear both what you are doing is truly amazing. Sending love ❤️

£11.33

Namitha Palathur

Not a generous amount but I have done whatever I could for the cause. With a prayer that what happened to me was unexpected but it should not happen to anyone. Hugs and love to you Subhra

£11.33

Anna

Hi Subhra, you are a beautiful person and mother. Your stories are so inspiring. Sending love and strength to you and your family. Cara sends live to Ishika. Anna

£11.33

Diana Paius

£11.33

Marica Oneill

With love to you c

£11.33

Della Williams

So sorry to read your story, very happy to support this cause. Good luck with it xx

£11.33

Sally Priest

Well done Subhra for doing this challenge for such an amazing charity xx

£11.33

Madeline Whitlock

£11.33

Lara

Sending much love to you all 💞

£11.33

Ros Wilson

My thoughts are with you and I hope you can enjoy raising money for this great charity.

£11.33

Julie Stonier

Such a brave thing to share Subhra. Your children, family and friends are so lucky to have you ❤️ Goid luck with your well deserved fund raising xxx

£11.33

Dhanushka

£11.09

Samantha Brummell

Thank you both for sharing your story and doing something so amazing to help raise money for such an amazing charity.

£11.09

Ange & Cerys Xx

Big Hugs Subhra, You Got This !!

£10

Anonymous

£10

Emma

You got this!

£10

Sarah, Mat, Jasper And Iris Xx

Sending all our love to you and your family Subhra. I’m so sorry for your loss, and so impressed that you’re still going despite the snow (inside definitely still counts!) as I know how hard it is to feel motivated at this time of year xx

£10

Sandra Gibson

What a beautiful way to honour your precious baby's memory x

£6.11

Anonymous

Our Team