Taybah Hussain

Running for my Zaavi!

To my little Zaaviyar, My heart breaks that I’ll never get to spend life with you, see you grow into a little boy, reach your milestones. My heartbreaks that we never got to really meet you or know you. You have a beautiful heart we’ll carry in our hearts for the rest of our lives. 

I stare at your fathers face thinking of how excited he was to have all the moments with you. Your dad is a good, caring, loving man who has supported us through out this pregnancy. 

we have been tested and I will forever be sorry that I had to let you go. My heart bleeds deeply that now I will pack all of your tiny clothes i imagined you in, into a box. I imagined your small self in a star sleepsuit, your tiny hands in mittens, and a little beanie with a matching grow.

I dont want to say goodbye to you, life is unfair, life is cruel. How could anyone ever say everything happens for a reason? What reason could justify our soul crushing moments as two people. 

We know we will never raise you but we will still be your mum & dad. You will still always be our first baby. We will never ever be able to forget you, seeing your little dance on the screen and hearing your strong heartbeat. I will never fathom this loss neither will your dad. I will never be able to forget your kicks, you were strong for as long as you were here. 

Everytime I see a sunset I’ll just think it’s you saying hi, everytime I stand at the sea and the wave pushes in I’ll think its you running into my arms; everytime I see a star shine I’ll think all you went through whilst you grew.

Will never hear you speak, say your first words, see you laugh & smile, watch you walk or crawl. we lost you, no one really knows what the future holds but this year itself is full of heartbreak, sadness & loss. My life, my heart feels empty. Especially my stomach which will be without you. I cant hold you either, so my arms will be deprived of you. My world is crumbling, the universe feels quiet. No matter what I do or say, cant change anything, cant bring you back ever now that you’ve gone.. 

Thank you for coming into our lives, showing me that I was capable of carrying you. I hope you know that I love you, we both do, me and Hasan. Every second I breathe for as long as I live, I will remember what you felt like and how amazing the experience of having you. You’ll always be our little one, you’re my innocent gem. 

There were so many memories to make, now you’ve become a memory. My hands, my arms, will always crave to get to know your touch. I’ll always wonder how you would’ve called us your mum and dad and how your voice would sound. I wish I could hear that, just once, even just a letter, or a sound. 

Theres a silence I have never heard in the 24 years of living. I know I’m writing this, and you’ll never get to read it of course.. but I guess this is the way. I will never get to have a conversation with you my son, so I’ll just leave it here.. 

I guess.. this is it, this is a goodbye, my darling little baby… i love you, we love you, so much Zaaviyar Hussain Hasan 🩵😭