Smudge

Our first, so soon after getting married and turning our first year of married life just a tad upside down. Going from being so excited for our new adventure to seeing literally an empty sac on a screen and being told there no longer was a baby there. It was honestly one of the worst things I’ve ever experienced and I didn’t really know which way to turn. My emotions all over the place and not really feeling like we should bother trying again. 

Fast forward to August 2024 and the sheer shock of seeing those 2 lines on the test. The anxiety that hit was out of this world, feeling like history would repeat itself again, but at the same time trying to be happy and pray that things would be different. How wrong we were. An early scan at my local hospital showed I was not as far on as we thought, but to come back the following week and take progesterone to try and help support this pregnancy. Four weeks on the trot we attended hospital to see if things were heading in the right direction, only to find out in October that they weren’t and little bean had stopped growing. I’ve asked myself so many times, ‘why me?’ ‘Why us?’  We both decided maybe just to not be so hard on ourselves and to not try again. 

February 2025 arrives and I start feeling different, sick and super tired. Suppose I best do a test and what’s that? 2 lines again! Could this be the time for us! 

Booked in at my EPAU for a reassurance scan, everything felt so different this time. But it wasn’t meant to be. Laying on that bed and hearing the sonography say those 5 earth shattering words “I can’t find a heartbeat”. 

I genuinely have felt like the world is against us. Why do we not get to have our happy ending? Life is so unfair. 

I’ve been surrounded by so many supportive friends, family and medical professionals and the support both Damian and I have received has been heart warming. 

Im doing this challenge, not only to raise money, but to help raise more awareness. Misscarraige and baby loss is always seen as such a negative subject that people shy away from talking about. But why should it be? We should be able to talk about our experiences and still feel proud that our bodies have tried to carry our babies, despite the unfortunate outcomes.