Chloe Langford

I’m running 2k a day in January for families facing baby and pregnancy loss

I had a miscarriage in October 2024. Whenever I tell anyone, I feel the need to qualify it by clarifying that I was ‘only 7 weeks’. I had only known I was pregnant for just over a fortnight, but those two weeks weren’t just any two weeks. They were two weeks of planning, of dreaming, of excitement, love, fear and hope. Two very big weeks. The loss isn’t just the loss of an embryo the size of a lentil, it’s the loss of those plans, those dreams, that excitement.

Something which isn’t talked about enough is the loss of innocence that comes with a miscarriage. Sure, we all know miscarriages happen, and we worry it will happen to us, but you don’t appreciate how lucky you are for it not to have happened yet. Once you’ve had a miscarriage, you can’t enjoy a pregnancy in the same way. And that in itself is a loss which I found really hard to come to terms with.

When I fell pregnant with Rory, not long after the miscarriage, I just assumed I would miscarry again. Once I hit 24 weeks I thought I’d feel some reassurance, but instead I just assumed my baby would be stillborn. Involvement with the Fetal Medicine Unit amid concerns around some abnormal brain development didn’t help those fears. Then, at 36 weeks pregnant, scans showed that he was measuring very small and needed to be born within the next 48 hours. It seemed like all my fears were coming true. Even installing the car seat before leaving for the hospital seemed ridiculous – I was still convinced we wouldn’t be bringing our little boy home.

But, despite being very small, with jaundice and low platelets, Rory was healthier than any of us could have hoped for.

Now he’s the most perfect 5-month-old. My rainbow baby. Of course I still think about the baby I lost, but my emotions are very mixed. The grief is still very much present, but if I hadn’t lost that pregnancy then I wouldn’t have Rory, and I wouldn’t change him for the world. However, I do wish that I could have enjoyed the 33 weeks I spent knowingly pregnant with him.

I know I’m incredibly lucky to have had a successful second pregnancy and to have a healthy baby, but I want to help raise money for Sands for all those less fortunate, and for those like me who lost a baby at ‘only’ x weeks but have been forever changed by it.