Jordan Upsall

Last year I did this as support for friends and family who have lost babies over the years. This year its more personal. In March we found out we were expecting our first baby. We were over the moon. Everything seemed fine at the 12 week dating scan at first baby was jumping about having a party we couldnt get the information we needed they were having to much fun in there. We had to go back the following week to try and get the measurements we needed fist of baby would not do as they were told so I had to go for a walk and drink and try again this time we got what we needed. And everything looked fine. The blood tests for down syndrome and Edwards or pataus syndrome came back very low with 1 chance in how ever many. Things were looking good. I was partaking in the panda trial taking a tablet every mor ing that was either iron or placebo. This was around week 15. I didnt react well to the trial medication and was sick every morning. So after a week I stopped taking it. Nothing more embarrassing than being sick in the street whilst on holiday, no im not drunk just pregnant.

 After this I continued to be sick every week or so, I just thought this was pregnancy related took it easy but carried on. I was still growing so why would I think anything was wrong. Week 19 and im told at work for the first time oh your begining to show now look at your bump. I come home look in the mirror and debate can I see a bump or is it just my usual tummy(im a rather large lady at the best of times). Get to the hospitL for my 20 week anomaly scan gets on the couch and straight away I see my baby. Its little spine standing out a mile away, hubby and I are in awe. Until. The sonographer says she cant see a heart beat like she expects to. Shes off to get a second opinion. I wonder if its just the way baby seems to be cuddled up to me. Although I think deep down I new the tears were already flowing. Hubby sat squeezing my hand as though begging for her to be wrong. The second lady comes in and has a look. She confirms. No heart beat. 

Our world falls apart. 

We are moved to a quiet room while we wait for a doctor to attend. We cry we talk we wonder whT went wrong. They say baby measures about 16 weeks gestation. How can that be? We are at week 20 and I have been growing a bump how can it have passed away a month ago and I still continue to grow. Of course having the biological backgrounds we both do we knew. But it wasn't fair. I hated my body more in those hours than I had ever previously done in my 33 years. But not as much as I would in a few days. 

We were moved to another room at 5pm and we had paper work to sign decisions to make that you never want to make.  

I had the first hormone pill and was sent on my way home asked to come back to the delivery ward the day after tomorrow. I went home we cried we hardly slept. We had to pack a hospital bag. But what would I need, I thought I was 20 weeks we hadn't started buying things yet we hadn't even thought about a hospital bag and post birth one think I knew for sure was maternity pads I would need them. So off we went in to town the following day trying not to cry. Got what we needed packed the bag and off we went the next day. Arrived in the labour suit our hospital has a special sound proof room for just this occasion ring the bell and said im here for the butterfly suit. As all other things had slipped my mind but my sands packet had mentioned that and that everyone knew what it ment. So in we went the hormone pulls were taken and things got uncomfortable the second lot were taken and painkillers recommended. Paracetamol and Codine. Unfortunately these came back up. Just as befor everything was kicking off. I was uncomfortable no matter where I was or what I was doing. They offered me a jab of pethidine. Just as they did the needle came out of my leg. My water came out in an intact bubble quicky followed by baby and the placenta. They wisked everything away. 

 A little while later the midwife came back with a little wicker style coffin. She told us baby had been dead a while and was to swollen and little for her to identify what gender baby was. She warned us baby was discoloured but asked if we wanted to see. Both being curious and me using my scientist brain as a comfort blanket right there had to look. So there it was our little baby. Other than the formentioned discoloration and swollen nature, seemingly perfect. I wonder if it would have been easier to take had there been some visable issue that caused all this pain. 

At the first scan we found I had a large fibroid so I had to stay under observation as there was a risk I could bleed excessively. 

So we stayed two nights we were there and the staff were amazing and I cannot thank them enough for their care and compassion. 

The last day there my boobs started to swell. I was already hypertensive even befor baby. Because of this they were unwilling to give me the meds that would stop me producing milk, so the first night home my milk came in. 

How I cried. It wasn't fair I had all this milk and nothing to feed it to. What sort of sick cosmic joke is this. It wasn't fair I was at home and my baby was at the hospital all alone. The following morning I woke up in a milky mess. Supportive bra and try not to touch them or expell I was told. Knowing the more that is "used" the more your body produces. This is when the hate of my body truly kicked in like never befor. Every time I bent over every time I did something other than sit still i leaked milk. I cried to my hubby how is it ever going to stop if I keep leaking every time I move? It took about a week and a half for it to ease and stop. But it was the longest week and a half of my life. 

Now here we are just over a month later after this terrible time. I cant say we are okay I cant say we are managing. We are taking it day by day. Not a day goes by I dont think of baby or how much I could love someone I had never met or even felt move. It feels insane when you say it out loud. If be back at work if I didnt work at a school and it being summer holidays right now. More so to keep me busy and distracted so im not moping about the house on my own. But since its summet holidays im going to the gym with a new found motivation. Gotta make this body more habitable for the next one. Gotta make myself fitter and better then maybe this won't happen again. 

We love and miss our little baby more than we thought possible. Slowly our world is during right way up again. We won't ever forget, but we will grow around this we will try again. We will live 

Baby upsall we love you forever xxxx