Chloe Phillips

My experience

2 pregnancies and 2 years of sorrow. 

2 pregnancies and 2 devastating trips to the EPU. 

2 pregnancies and 2 heartbreaking scans. 

2 pregnancies and 2 aching, empty arms. 

2 pregnancies yet no babies. 

I have a wonderful family, a loving and supportive partner, caring and generous friends; I have so much good in my life, but there’s a baby shaped hole and the pain it inflicts is visceral. 

I never spoke openly about my first miscarriage, I hadn’t even told most people I was pregnant by the time a scan confirmed our baby’s heart wasn’t beating. But of the few close friends and family I did speak to after, most of them had gone through something similar or knew someone that had. Hearing about the experiences of these other women really did help me feel less alone in my grief. 

Notably, someone I love shared that they had lost their first baby. They also told me that had this not happened, their youngest would never have been born - another person whom I love very much - and this helped bring them comfort. It’s become increasingly hard to believe that ‘everything happens for a reason’ but this really struck a chord with me and I was so grateful for finally opening up and talking. 

With that in mind… 

I lost my second baby on July 24th 2024.

We found out on Josh’s birthday that I was pregnant, I had celotaped a dip test inside a card with the words “HAPPY BIRTHDAY DADDY”. We were thrilled and I saw it as a good omen. Heading into our 12 week scan I was completely convinced that the first time had been a fluke, just bad luck. This time there were no signs that anything was wrong. I had no bleeding but did have all the common symptoms like nausea, exhaustion, sore breasts and needing to wee all the time. I remember being grateful for feeling so horrid every day; I saw these as good signs. We had also paid for a private reassurance scan at 7 weeks where we saw our baby and a tiny beating heart - I felt complete relief for a second and then pure elation. I was so convinced this time was going to go smoothly that I bought a personalised blanket with Baby Clarke sewn into it. 

This is now tucked away under our bed and out of sight, but I know it’s there when I wake up crying at 3am. Now it’s just waiting for a baby Clarke to come along, like me. 

The 5 weeks between scans felt like 5 years, I was so excited to see our fully formed baby and actually hear the heartbeat this time. My excitement was short-lived; I knew within seconds that it was happening all over again. The tiny white blob on the screen looked exactly like my first baby and only a tiny bit bigger than when we had seen them at the previous scan. It felt like someone had punched the air out of me and had ripped my heart out of my chest. 

Sobbing, we were taken to the EPU where my options were explained to me. I could have an operation or I could take some tablets and miscarry at home naturally but either way I needed medical management, unlike the first time, as my body hadn’t registered my loss. 

I’ve never hated my own body as much as I do right now. 

While trying to conceive it felt like every twinge in my lower abdomen was a ploy to convince me that I was having implantation pain and I was pregnant… only to be disappointed when my period arrived. Now I actually had conceived my body failed to do what it should and grow a healthy baby, but more than that it tricked me into thinking I was. I have a video of me surprising some of my friends with the news, I know now that my baby had already died inside me by that point and watching it back feels like a cruel joke. 

I opted for the tablets, I had miscarried at home before so I thought I knew what to expect and the idea of general anaesthetic freaked me out. I took the tablet to stop me producing progesterone at the hospital and then 2 days later I took another 4 tablets to start the process. I won’t go into the gory detail, but I had a dreadful reaction, I was violently sick and lost too much blood too quickly, subsequently passing out 3 times, all I will say is thank god for Josh and my parents. 

Grieving for someone you never actually met seems silly and maybe that’s why I didn’t feel comfortable talking about it the first time. I didn’t even feel comfortable calling them my babies, but that is what they were. I’d also say things like well at least we know we can conceive that’s half the battle or I should feel lucky that it happened earlier rather than later in the pregnancy. What part of this is lucky? Why do I feel the need to diminish my grief? I’m not sure why but I know I’m not the only one. 

It’s hard to be or think positive right now. My body is still recovering from the trauma and I’m not sure this aching feeling will leave me until I finally get my rainbow baby. I can be having an okay day, I may have even laughed at something one of the dogs is doing and then I’ll see the punnet of kiwis Josh bought home from work because of some random TikTok that said a kiwi a day helps a baby’s brain development. I’m back in the scan room getting the air knocked out of me all over again. 

However, I’m hoping that focusing on and training for this run will pull me out of this depression, force me to get out of the flat and help put my body in a better physical position to conceive again and get to full term. The money raised for Sands to continue the extremely important work they do is just an added bonus. 

Thank you for taking the time to read this pity party post, visiting and sharing my fundraiser page and for all the donations! writing this has actually been really cathartic. 

I want to quickly say that Josh, you have been my unwavering rock, I would never have gotten through any of this without you. What may have torn some couples apart has only made me love and appreciate you more. I am so sorry you’re going through this too, you deserve all the happiness in the world. 

Finally, to anyone else in the trenches  grieving the loss of a child/pregnancy please feel free to reach out if you need someone to talk to who knows how you feel. I always have time for a chat or a coffee date! 💓