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My Story

Thursday 3rd Oct I never considered myself an overly maternal person and have always been terrified at the thought of pregnancy.  Safe to say I was surprised when last year a pregnancy test came back positive... it was a lot of mixed emotions seeing those lines appear. At first, I won't lie, myself and my partner were scared and kept asking ourselves ..were we ready for this?  With support from friends and family we realised that our fears were completely irrational and infact many around us felt the same way when they were about to become first time parents.  Our fears then turned to excitement, thinking ahead of what our future would now be as a family. We were so looking forward to our first scan! 

The 12 week mark came around pretty quick and we were off to the hospital to see our baby for the first time. I didn't know what to expect but when i saw that image for the first time, i fell completely in love. All the worries i'd had disappeared in that moment and i was beaming from ear to ear, overcome with happiness... that was until i saw the sonographer's face who looked incredibly concerned and that brief moment of pure joy faded very quickly....

We were told that our baby had a much higher NT fluid level than normal and that follow up tests would be required. After going through a number of blood tests and days of waiting anxiously, hoping for good news, we were told that there was a 50% chance of Down's syndrome and 1/15 chance of either Edwards of Pataus. I felt numb. I couldn't understand how this could happen when we were both two young, healthy adults.  

We were then referred to a fetal medical unit for further scans and were still hoping that somehow, someone must have got it wrong. On the day of our scan we couldn't believe what we saw. The doctor pointed out two large cysts either side of our baby's neck. He told us that this was incredibly rare and infact he'd only seen a couple of cases like this- I was heartbroken. We were told that because these cysts were so rare, there hadn't been enough medical research into them to understand the cause, however they tended to be linked to serious health issues and there was a high risk of miscarriage.  

After weeks of considering all possible options, listening to medical advice and hearing that the baby could likely have serious health problems, we sadly had to make the most awful decision to end the pregnancy.  We were both completely devastated and did our best to come to terms with what was coming next.

Whilst we received phenomenal support from the clinic who had understood our journey, unfortunately on the day of the procedure, we were met with protestors who were much less understanding. 

 I spent weeks afterwards in tears and wanting to shut myself off from the world. I was in a state of disbelief that this was my first experience of pregnancy and wondering how everything had gone so wrong. 

Luckily , through the support of my partner, friends and family, eventually I was able to look back on my scan photos and smile. Whilst we never got to hold our baby, hear them cry or see them smile ... we loved our little bean dearly and still grieve our loss. 

This year I want to take part in the Ribbon Run to remember our little bean and what would have been their first birthday.

To anyone out there who has had to make that difficult decision, for whatever reason, my heart goes out to you but I promise that there are brighter days ahead x  Share